Katjes: Little Harmonies

We have a delightful chain of stores here in the states called World Market. In addition to fun home décor and furniture, they sell treats and candies from around the world. They’re usually a pretty mild versions – for example, they don’t stock sugared, freeze-dried squid snacks – because, as Americans, we want to feel like we’re doing something exotic… not actually do it.

So I was a bit surprised to find actual salty liquorice at the store. It was probably a mistake on the part of World Market’s buyer, as I’m pretty sure there’s an import ban on the stuff. Or, at least there should be. The salmiac was hidden among other foreign-looking liquorice.

Like most of Katjes products, Little Harmonies look harmless. The cheerful model on the front even proclaims it, “My daily yin & yang.” I could see how a foreign-candy buyer might get confused. This actually looks like real candy.

Opening it up revealed a spongy-textured teardrops of salty liquorice and... whatever the heck the white stuff on the other side is.

My experience with Salmiac has taught me to fear candy that looks sugar coated, so I was a bit reserved when I took a bite. But it actually was sugar. The texture was a bit strange - somewhere between a marshmallow that has been left out for two days and a gummy bear - but it was not unenjoyable.

As for the taste... it was really difficult to pin down. There was some salt and some liquorice, but it was all very muted. I suspect that's a result of the fluffy texture.

All in all, I can't say that I liked them... but I didn't dislike them. Therefore, I'll award them the bland edible tag.

Salmiakkikossu

Several weeks ago, I ruined a perfectly good bottle of Grey Goose vodka and turned it into Salmiakkikossu.

I'm not going to lie. The thing scared me. It sat in the office freezer, taunting me every time I walked by. Drink me, it would call, dddrrrriiinnnnnkkkkk meeeee, I dare you to.

There were a few days I felt up to the challenge, but when I opened up the bottle, the smell of burnt liquorice and the thick, syrupy texture made me change my mind. I'll do it tomorrow, I'd tell myself as I corked the bottle of black death and hid it away in the freezer.

Well the time has finally come, and you can once again thank my dear friend Matti Nikki. Well, "friend" is a bit strong of a word... perhaps enabler or wisher-of-serious-pain-and-bodily-harm is a more apt descriptor. Matti encouraged me to go for the goose, and this is what he was referring to.

I felt this taste test called for two trials: sipping Salmiakkikossu while sober, and then drinking it while drunk. After all, nothing makes things taste better than a healthy state of inebration.

I learned some good lessons that night.

1. Scotch and Salmiakkikossu don't pair very well
2. Salmiakkikossu causes severe - and I mean severe - feeling of dehydration
3. When sleeping on the conference room floor, it's best to lay under the table; it's hard for the cleaning staff to vacuum around you otherwise
4. Laying face-down on the cheap, commercial-grade carpet causes a severe case of carpet-face that takes two full days to clear up

As for the Salmiakkikossu, it wasn't that bad... and it got better the more I drank it. The homemade variety wasn't as good, but both had a sweet and spicy flavor, not unlike sambuca or ouzo. The salt comes in much later, and it comes in fury.

Overall, it deserves a conditional halfway-decent rating: drink only while already sufficiently liquored-up.

Rainbow Tulinen Salmiakki (Eldig Salmiak)

I had a hard time identifying the maker of this particular brand of salmiak. That's usually not a good sign. Salmiak is bad enough on its own, and I can only imagine what the Pepper, M.D. of salmiak is like. I guess today's my lucky day, as I don't have to immagine anymore.

As a side note: leave it to generic salmiak to define "rainbow" as containing three colors: Green, Red, and Black. I'm pretty sure the latter is not even considered a color.

The Tulien Salmiakki started off like a normal hard candy: mostly flavorless with a touch of sweet. That's also a troubling sign for salmiac.

With a minute, I was overcome with a unique sensation, almost like that of an impending sneeze. As I continued "enjoying" this candy, a numbness started spreading throughout my mouth. That was followed by a slight tingling sensation. This is not the experience I'd expect from candy... which is yet another troubling sign.

Things went downhill quickly. My entire tongue went numb (yet, somehow started hurting), and the tingling sensation started spreading. In the exact opposite manner that menthol clears the sinuses, the Tulien led to a difficulty breathing. The numbing pain spread to my gums, teeth, and, well, just about everywhere else.

And then I bit down. Whatever unholy substance was amalgamated into this candy's outershell was in its purist form in the center. Pain doesn't even begin to describe what that sensation was like. Without bothering to look for a napkin, I expectorated this horrid concoction as quickly as possible. It took a full ten minutes for the pain to dissipate as well. Clearly, this candy earns the caustic label.

Katjes Salty Fish

It's been a rough couple weeks. I've come to learn firsthand that crushed-up Turkin Pippuri is incredibly toxic, and causes the unavoidable side-effect of not wanting anything to do with Salmiac. But I'm over that now, and am ready for another step in this salty sojurn.

Katjes Salty Fish seemed like the ideal re-introduction to Salmiac. "Wanna enjoy the real sea side feeling?" the back of the package read, "Then get yourself blown away by these little liquorice fish! They come with tis special portion of salmiak salt and are a unique liqorice experience... sooo salty!"

Seeing something covered with that much salt is troubling. If my Dragster Super Salta experience taught me anything, it's that salt can be painful... nay, torturous. Tasting one of these fish was not something I looked forward to.

Nonetheless, I dived straight in the deep in popped one in. Expecting to last two, maybe three seconds, I was surprised to find that, not only did I not spit it out, but I started chewing it. And I kept going. And then I had another. And another. In fact, I ate the entire pile of pictured fish -- that's seven in total.

I don't know what to say, and quite frankly, I'm a bit scared. The salmiac dust must have mutated my DNA and permanently perverted my palate. And as a result of this, the Katjes Salty Fish earned the highest rating given to date on Salmiyuck!: halfway decent.

Ruining a Perfectly Good Bottle of Vodka

Our journey to the dark side of Finland — home-made Salmiakkikossu — has begun. What on earth is Salmiakkikossu? you may wonder: it's the unholy combination of Salmiakki and vodka.

While our original Finnish friends (Pekka and Toni) were insightful enough to send a small bottle, I thought it'd worthwhile to compare it to the home-made variety. A worse vs. worst competition, if you will.

Step One: Crush a Bag of Turkin Pippuri ("Turkish Pepper")

Don't forget to wear a respirator; remember, this stuff is toxic!

Step Two: Mix with Vodka

We went with Grey Goose, but any variety will do.

Step Three: Wait until it disolves

That is one unhappy goose.

I suspect it'll be a while before this concoction is ready, so stay tuned!

Fazer Super Salmiakki (xylitol)

Today's Adventure in Salmiakki was suggested by Toni Spets, who wrote: "I'm very thrilled to advertise one brand I particularly like, Super Salmiakki. Despite the name the taste is very mild and enjoyable."

Wait. What?!? There are no words in the English language that are better antonyms of "very mild" and "enjoyable" than "super" and "salmiakki." But no matter. Having lived through - and somewhat enjoyed - my last indulgence of BonBon's jocularly-named confection, I was feeling bold and ready to try something super.

Opening up the small box of Super, I was immediately overtaken by an overwhelming eucalyptus explosion. While many might find such an odor offensive, I'm actually impartial to menthol-flavored things. Maybe even biased: Jenkki Frozn was the first (and still only) salmiac to earn the halfway-decent rating.

One thing I can say is that Super is no Frozn, largely due to its texture. Like emulsified Vick's VapoRub, or that Halls cough drop you found under your bed that's since turned into jelly, an overly-sticky and gummy texture mixed with salty menthol is just too much.

Surprisingly, Super is missing the distinct licorice and overpowering salty flavors. There's a hint of both, but neither can compete with the menthol. While I'd personally rate this edible — perhaps because I kinda enjoy that menthol kick — I'm sure many would find it inedible. I say we meet in the middle and call it almost edible.

UPDATE: After snacking on these all day (but not liking it... I swear!), there is simply no way I can justify the almost edible raiting. Congratulations, Super Salmiakki, you are officially edible.

Halva Batman Chili Salmiakki

“Gotham City’s candy stores have a serious problem, Batman,” commissioner Gordon declared gravely.
Batman responded incredulously, “You lit the bat signal for this? Surely Gotham has more serious crimes to deal with than the theft of some candy.”
“It’s not just theft,” the commissioner continued, “one by one, all of the candy for sale in Gotham is being replaced with…this.” Gordon offered a seemingly ordinary-looking piece of licorice, which Batman popped into his mouth.
”ACK!!” Batman exclaimed, spitting out the candy, “what is that?”
”Salmiac,” Gordon responded, “we call it salmiac.”

Will the Dark Knight discover who is behind this new, salty menace?

Ok, let me just apologize for the use of Comic Sans in this post.  That’s the end of that, I promise.  As you’ve probably guessed, we have some Batman-themed salmiac today!

Since Alex has actually been seen snacking on and enjoying his last Salmiyuck entry, I decided he was unfit for more salmiac reviewing until his sense of taste has returned to normal.  Don’t worry, he’ll be back at this pretty soon, damaged sense of taste or not, as I have no desire to find myself in the position of enjoying this stuff like he apparently does right now.  That being said, it all works out since I’ve been wanting to try the Batman Chili Salmiakki, being something of a Batman fan and having never experienced chili with my salmiac.

Opening the package, I was greeted with the smell of licorice, which was a pleasant surprise.  Each Batman Salmiakki is simply a stamped Batman logo on a seemingly ordinary piece of black licorice.  I cautiously tried a piece and found that it was not terrible!  Having learned my lesson about the dangers of biting into salmiac, I let the candy slowly dissolve for a while, just waiting for that inevitable offensive taste… but it never came.  Bracing myself, I started chewing and discovered just a little spicy kick from the chili flavoring.  I managed to finish it and didn’t find it at all repulsive!

Overall, Batman Salmiakki is actually pretty good (for salmiac).  It has a modest amount of licorice, sugar, salt, and chili flavoring, but none of these are completely overpowering.  While it is by no means my favorite thing to eat, I would consider having one once in a while if I was really hungry.  Thanks to its largely inoffensive quantities of salmiakki and chili flavor, the Batman Chili Salmiakki earns an edible rating.