Friday, February 26, 2010

Black Domino Salmiakki-Chili Cookies

I'm not going to lie. When I saw this box of Oreo-esque cookies, my eyes lit up like... well, whenever I see a box of Oreos. I mean let's face it: in the world of cookies, the Oreo is the ruler of the pre-packaged kingdom. Every other cookie may as well exist only to remind us how great Oreos are.

Not being a brand-snob, I almost equally appreciate the knock-off Oreos (Kid O's, Tuxedos, etc), and the Domino cookies look just like your average, chocolate-filled generic. As you can immagine, I had some high hopes that they would be edible food.

Opening the package of cookies not only filled me with disappointment, but disgust. There was an overpowering odor that erupted as soon as I pulled apart the cellophane. With the uncontrolled gagging, it took me a little while to realize what exactly it smelled like. And then it hit me: polyurethane.

That's right, polyurethane. And I feel somewhat qualified to say that, as a few weeks ago, I had my hardwood floors refinished, and the whole house reeked of it. Now exposure to polyurethane isn't too toxic, but it does leave your eyes itchy, your breaths a little short, and a massive, hangover-like headache. And thinking back, that was actually a much more pleasant experience than eating the Domino cookie.

From a texture standpoint, biting into the Domino cookie was like biting into any other Oreo-like cookie. At first, the taste was unbearable. And then it got worse. I've never tasted dirty polyurethane before, but this is what it must be like. I couldn't even tell what was more offensive: the outside cookie part or the inside cream.

The worst part about the Domino cookie is that, like any Oreo-like cookie, the cookie part hangs out in your teeth for a while. I tried rinsing, gargling, and even chewing on a paper towel. Nothing seemed to remove the taste. In fact, almost a day later, I can still taste polyurethane. Maybe it's just a phantom taste, but seriously, cookies shouldn't do that to you.

One great thing about this cookie, though, is that it looks just like real food. I can't wait to slip these in a plate of chocolate Oreo cookies and watch the ensuing vomit-fest from unsuspecting cookie-takers.

Rating: inedible.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Tyrkisk Peber: Firewood

What a better way to start off this Salmiak review blog than by starting with the bag that looks, smells, and will probably taste like those little woodchips you add to your grill for some extra barbeque flavor?

There was no overwhelming smell when opening the package, and a fun assortment of pieces were found within. The brown terd-like pieces and black balls could almost visually pass as real candy, especially when mixed in with chocolate-covered raisins.

I started off with the silver log and was pleasantly surprised. Not only was it not the worst thing in the whole wide world, but it was actually pleasant. It wasn't even hot/spicy; the 2/3 rating may as well have been 0/3.

The licquorice was very subtle, and some other (non-awful) earthen flavors came out shortly thereafter. Perhaps that's why they call it firewood? But things took a turn for the worst when I bit into it. The sensation was much like biting into a Cow Tale (i.e., cold, creamy, and soft) , but the flavor was... intense. I don't know if it was just a big pocket of salt, dirt, or pure awful, but I couldn't do it. Tried as I might, I had to spit.

The black log and black ball didn't fare any better, as they had the same gooey center. The brown-terds? I actually managed to finish one of them. I might even go back for another.

This rates as almost-edible.