Fazer Pantteri Black Shot

Unfortunately, after sharing salmiac with some of my friends on a few different occasions, no one is willing to try any unfamiliar foodstuff from me, let alone more salmiac. Thank you Finland for giving people yet another reason to dislike me.

While I haven't made any new friends lately, there was a new chap at the office who hadn't yet experienced the joy of Finnish "treats". And I figured, what better way ruin the relationship with my new coworker that with some Fazer Pantteri Black Shot?

For those of you who don't speak Finlandese, "Pantteri" actually translates to "Panther Turds", and the gooey "black shot" center is either a pre- or partially-digested glob of salmiac gel. I can't tell, either from the writing on the back of the bag, the smell, or the taste.

And speaking of the taste – it's actually not so bad, at least relative to the texture. I'll let Patrick explain in this odd-aspect-ration video. Next time, I'll flip my phone sideways.

Although Patrick wasn't a big fan, he hasn't quite experienced the full range of salmiac. But I have, and on the scale of all things salmiac, this earns the well-respected edible rating.

Mummi Ksylitolipurukumi

Really, Finland? "Ksylitolipurukumi." Really?!?
I'm sure in that ridiculously long string of letters, there's a few different words in there like "gum", disgusting", and "unhappy". Trust me, I have pretty long last name myself ("Papadimoulis"), so I know a thing or two about this. Why not use spaces? Or at the very least, hyphens?

My regular camera is still out of commission (which is why there's no hockeypulver), but my cellphone was able to snap some unexpectedly detailed pictures of this salmiakki. As you may tell, it looks like regular, candy-coated gum.

It also has the exterior texture of real gum, but certainly not the smell. I'd normally expect some form of mint when taking a whiff, but these have a more neutral and (of course) subtle liquorice smell.

I'm generally not afraid of salmiakki-based gum, and the Ksylitolipurukumi gave me no reason to change my mind. It started off with a light liquorice taste but quickly faded into nothing. After chewing on several flavorless pieces for a while, I spit the gum out and took a swig of water to combat the salty aftertaste. Maybe I'm getting used to this stuff, but I have to score the Ksylitolipurukumi as edible.

Halva: JYMY (on X3M)

It's hard to believe that it's been a couple months since I've last updated Salmiyuck! Actually, no. It's not hard to believe. Like most sensible human beings, I try to avoid all things salmiak, and I therefore must be subconsciously avoiding updating this blog.

But I have a duty to salmiak, and I will continue to forge through it. My next challenge (coming this Friday) will be a horrendous thing called salmiakpulver. It is the essence of horror itself: pure salmiac powder. It was suggested by Nicke Alden of X3M, who interviewed me a little while back while I taste-tested Halva's JYMY:

I can't seem to find the pictures I took, but the box (and the enclosed "pills") looked exactly like the above picture (credit: Mini-Market). I was expecting tablets of pure ammonium chloride, but instead found a sweet and slightly-salty lemony flavor. At least, I think it was lemon.

The texture (especially after chewing) was powdery, and the salt quickly creeped up. I wasn't able to make it through the entire box, but I didn't immediately spit out the candy. There's a clear rating for that: edible.

Katjes: Little Harmonies

We have a delightful chain of stores here in the states called World Market. In addition to fun home décor and furniture, they sell treats and candies from around the world. They’re usually a pretty mild versions – for example, they don’t stock sugared, freeze-dried squid snacks – because, as Americans, we want to feel like we’re doing something exotic… not actually do it.

So I was a bit surprised to find actual salty liquorice at the store. It was probably a mistake on the part of World Market’s buyer, as I’m pretty sure there’s an import ban on the stuff. Or, at least there should be. The salmiac was hidden among other foreign-looking liquorice.

Like most of Katjes products, Little Harmonies look harmless. The cheerful model on the front even proclaims it, “My daily yin & yang.” I could see how a foreign-candy buyer might get confused. This actually looks like real candy.

Opening it up revealed a spongy-textured teardrops of salty liquorice and... whatever the heck the white stuff on the other side is.

My experience with Salmiac has taught me to fear candy that looks sugar coated, so I was a bit reserved when I took a bite. But it actually was sugar. The texture was a bit strange - somewhere between a marshmallow that has been left out for two days and a gummy bear - but it was not unenjoyable.

As for the taste... it was really difficult to pin down. There was some salt and some liquorice, but it was all very muted. I suspect that's a result of the fluffy texture.

All in all, I can't say that I liked them... but I didn't dislike them. Therefore, I'll award them the bland edible tag.

Fazer Super Salmiakki (xylitol)

Today's Adventure in Salmiakki was suggested by Toni Spets, who wrote: "I'm very thrilled to advertise one brand I particularly like, Super Salmiakki. Despite the name the taste is very mild and enjoyable."

Wait. What?!? There are no words in the English language that are better antonyms of "very mild" and "enjoyable" than "super" and "salmiakki." But no matter. Having lived through - and somewhat enjoyed - my last indulgence of BonBon's jocularly-named confection, I was feeling bold and ready to try something super.

Opening up the small box of Super, I was immediately overtaken by an overwhelming eucalyptus explosion. While many might find such an odor offensive, I'm actually impartial to menthol-flavored things. Maybe even biased: Jenkki Frozn was the first (and still only) salmiac to earn the halfway-decent rating.

One thing I can say is that Super is no Frozn, largely due to its texture. Like emulsified Vick's VapoRub, or that Halls cough drop you found under your bed that's since turned into jelly, an overly-sticky and gummy texture mixed with salty menthol is just too much.

Surprisingly, Super is missing the distinct licorice and overpowering salty flavors. There's a hint of both, but neither can compete with the menthol. While I'd personally rate this edible — perhaps because I kinda enjoy that menthol kick — I'm sure many would find it inedible. I say we meet in the middle and call it almost edible.

UPDATE: After snacking on these all day (but not liking it... I swear!), there is simply no way I can justify the almost edible raiting. Congratulations, Super Salmiakki, you are officially edible.

Halva Batman Chili Salmiakki

“Gotham City’s candy stores have a serious problem, Batman,” commissioner Gordon declared gravely.
Batman responded incredulously, “You lit the bat signal for this? Surely Gotham has more serious crimes to deal with than the theft of some candy.”
“It’s not just theft,” the commissioner continued, “one by one, all of the candy for sale in Gotham is being replaced with…this.” Gordon offered a seemingly ordinary-looking piece of licorice, which Batman popped into his mouth.
”ACK!!” Batman exclaimed, spitting out the candy, “what is that?”
”Salmiac,” Gordon responded, “we call it salmiac.”

Will the Dark Knight discover who is behind this new, salty menace?

Ok, let me just apologize for the use of Comic Sans in this post.  That’s the end of that, I promise.  As you’ve probably guessed, we have some Batman-themed salmiac today!

Since Alex has actually been seen snacking on and enjoying his last Salmiyuck entry, I decided he was unfit for more salmiac reviewing until his sense of taste has returned to normal.  Don’t worry, he’ll be back at this pretty soon, damaged sense of taste or not, as I have no desire to find myself in the position of enjoying this stuff like he apparently does right now.  That being said, it all works out since I’ve been wanting to try the Batman Chili Salmiakki, being something of a Batman fan and having never experienced chili with my salmiac.

Opening the package, I was greeted with the smell of licorice, which was a pleasant surprise.  Each Batman Salmiakki is simply a stamped Batman logo on a seemingly ordinary piece of black licorice.  I cautiously tried a piece and found that it was not terrible!  Having learned my lesson about the dangers of biting into salmiac, I let the candy slowly dissolve for a while, just waiting for that inevitable offensive taste… but it never came.  Bracing myself, I started chewing and discovered just a little spicy kick from the chili flavoring.  I managed to finish it and didn’t find it at all repulsive!

Overall, Batman Salmiakki is actually pretty good (for salmiac).  It has a modest amount of licorice, sugar, salt, and chili flavoring, but none of these are completely overpowering.  While it is by no means my favorite thing to eat, I would consider having one once in a while if I was really hungry.  Thanks to its largely inoffensive quantities of salmiakki and chili flavor, the Batman Chili Salmiakki earns an edible rating.

BonBon Bullshit

"No Bull Shit," claims the back of today's taste testing, "just candy! A unique mix of salt liquorice and milk chocolate - a new combination you really should try."

You can't argue with that. Nor the colorful packaging proudly advertising the "now softer" variety, along with a bunch of randomly strung together letters. Or is that Finnish?

In case it's not very clear from the photograph, the illustrated bull is not actually smiling, but is instead making a stressed and painful face. Why? Clearly, someone fed the poor bovine some salmiac.

On the scale of things salmiac, BonBon Bullshit is not the worst thing I've ever eaten. In fact, it doesn't taste bad at all.

The milk chocolate is certainly the "value" variety that's found mostly in dollar-store Easter candy and off-brand M&Ms. But I don't mind cheap cocoa in relatively small quantities. Give me a few ounces of it, and I'll be fine. Give me a pound... I'll probably be fine, too. But after a few pounds, I'll tired of the cheap stuff.

The spicy liquorice flavor quickly joins the party after biting down, but it's certainly not an unwelcome guest. It's texture is somewhat enjoyable, making the whole experience similar to an extra-chewy Raisinete.

As for salt, while there's no hint of it at first, it sure comes on strong later. Within minutes of popping a good six or eight of these, I was completely parched. If it weren't for that, these would be slightly more than edible. Just make sure to have water on standby.

MUST

All you salmiakki fans are in luck because today we have a salmiakki triple-feature.  I found three varieties of MUST salmiakki: Touch of Sea, Moods of Black, and Dark Shots.

Without further delay, let’s get to sampling these quality confections.

Because ordinary salmiakki just doesn’t taste salty enough, I was happy to see that the fine folks at Malaco have thoughtfully added sea salt to their Touch of Sea variety.  Cautiously, I tried a piece, and astonishingly I found it quite edible.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s one of the saltiest things I’ve ever tasted, but I was not even close to spitting this one out.  In fact, I might even be willing to snack on these if I have a glass of water near by.

 

Next up is Moods of Black.  Judging from the packaging, this looks like a standard salmiakki candy with nothing crazy added to it like sea salt or chili powder.  Feeling confident, I opened the package and tried a piece.  I’ll be honest, this one completely met my expectations; licorice: check, creeping salty salmiac flavor: check.  There’s not much more to be said about it.

 

The last entry today is Dark Shots.  These candies instantly reminded me of milk duds, which I actually like, so I had high hopes.  The outside did not taste unpleasant, and this only made me more confident that I would like these too, so I took the plunge and bit into one.  It actually tasted pretty good… at first.  After a few seconds, an unpleasant taste started to grow out of nowhere, eventually overwhelming everything else, and I was forced to spit it out.  I can’t describe the taste, because I’ve never had anything quite like it.  I really, truly can’t put it into words.

To wrap things up, my favorite of these three is definitely the Touch of Sea, but Moods of Black is also quite edible.  Dark Shots, however, hide a terrible secret in their center that makes them inedible.

Jenkki

As one of Alex's unsuspecting subordinates, I have been given the painstaking task of tasting this particular type of Jenkki Salmiakki:

Now, my Finnish may be a bit out of practice - but thanks to Google Translate, I was at least able to determine what type of Salmiakki I was about to eat. Apparently, "chewing gum" translates to "purukumi", which is written on the packaging. Chewing gum you say? All I could think of was me playing baseball as a youngster with a bag of delicious Big League Chew.

Unfortunately, my daydreams disappeared immediately. The licorice scent burst out like a BP oil spill as I opened the packaging - and if it weren't for the Frozn variety covered earlier, this post would have ended long before I began writing it.

I spent a few minutes offering several friends some pieces (along with a chance to share their saliva with the garbage can) before I decided to enjoy some of my own, and I was surprised to find the taste bearable despite the dirty licorice smell.

The full-bodied licorice taste is overwhelming enough to mask the salty undertones. As with almost all chewing gum, the flavor does not last long enough to make you want to spit it out. Because of this, Jenkki earns the edible rating.

Jenkki Frozn

I am surprised. Nay, I'm astonished. No, no... flabbergasted! Err, actually...  there's not a word in the English language that describes my sentiment after trying the Jenkki Frozn salmiac.

Brace your self, dear readers: the Jenkki Frozn salmiac gum is not only edible, but I'm still chewing on it as I type this very message.



And just to be clear, I have not yet intentionally seared my tongue in a desperate attempt to save pain on my quest for salmiakki. My sinuses are not blocked and I can smell scents as well as ever. And so far as I can tell, I still have functioning tastebuds.

When I opened the bag of Frozn gum, I was assaulted with the unmistakable aroma of menthol. If there was any doubt that my sinuses were clogged, a whiff of Frozn would have cleared them out. Like any other Finnish candy, I was a little hesitant to bite down on the gum, but decided to go all in. I chomped down on two of the square pieces and began to chew.

Within moments, my whole being was infused with menthol, almost as if I had taken a swim in a lake filled with Halls Coughdrops. But it wasn't unpleasant - it was actually soothing. Any hint of that dreaded salt flavor that accompanies Salmiac was overpowered by the intense menthol flavor.

And as far as gum goes, this one holds its flavor; I'm still chewing it and, while it doesn't have the same methol kick, the flavor is still there.

This rates as edible and halfway-decent!